Daddies and Daughters

I don't often dispense parenting advice. For one thing, I am not sure that I qualify as an expert. And for another, I'm "superstitious" enough to feel like if I set myself up as such, and try to act like one, then I bring a world of torment on my house and family. So please don't hear what I'm about to say with any sort of air of arrogance. I don't think I've figured anything out. I've just tried to follow THE Father on this.

That being said, recently, I was asked by a former student to speak to the parenting of his only daughter. For some of our readers who may not know, my wife and I have one child, a daughter, who just turned 17. As I pondered over my former student's question, there were a lot of thoughts that rambled through my noggin, but several lingered there. When I was done responding to him, I really liked what had come out, and I (very fearfully) was led to share it with you. Here is what I told him,one pilgrim to another.

"Yeah, we have one daughter: Mack. She's awesome. It' been a whole lot of fun raising her. I have enjoyed each successive phase more so than the previous one. I embrace being Mack's dad...I love it! It's not a journey I rushed to get into, but once on the road I've chased it with great zeal.There are several things that apply in that journey to raise her:

1) Love her the way God intended. The absolute most prominent and permanent thing you will ever provide for her is a certainty of your love for her. This does several things - it gives her the right God-reference. Kids get their basic understanding of God from the way their dads love them. Girls learn how to love (and be loved by) a man from the way their fathers treat and love them. There are no guarantees, but if you want her to be chaste and pure she MUST be certain of your love. Make sure she never has to go get that love from a surrogate. Never take it for granted or leave it up to assumption or supposition that you love her. Assure her. Tell her. Show her.

2) Love her momma ALWAYS. Speak of it. Show it...especially in the hardest times of life and marriage. You want your daughter to have the BEST shot at a strong, stable, and healthy marriage - and healthy relationships in general, dads? Then make sure she knows what they are supposed to look like and live like. You want her to avoid dysfunctional and messy relationships - you want her to know what she should look for and expect in a relationship with a man? Then you love her momma correctly and constantly. Never leave her and don't ever walk away from or shirk that most basic of all human relationships - the marriage. If you stay consistent and intentional about it, then it's a fulfillment of at least two major New Testament mandates: Eph. 5:25 and Eph 6:4! [Have you ever considered 6:4 within the context of how disciplined you are in how you love your wife?]

3) Make sure she knows how to love God. She isn't going to hear you best on this one, SHE's GOING TO SEE YOU BEST ON THIS ONE. Too many times, parents are really good at making their kids religious (about lots of things), while they slack on teaching them to love God. I've seen parents more passionate and overt about their love for a sports team or their alma mater or a tidy house than they are about their love for Jesus. That's seriously twisted! It makes for messy lives and messy relationships. As I read Deut 6, I understand that the primary audience for this passage of the scripture was specifically those Hebrew daddies, I understand that this job of teaching love for God falls first and primarily to us DADDIES. Give her a healthy reference to the scriptures, because YOU are in them, know them, and rightly handle them. Model for her what a relationship with God looks like. Teach her to seek Him, ask Him, listen to Him, obey Him, share Him, but most of all, to enjoy Him...

4) And finally, teach her to fly! She will never be YOURS. You didn't make her and you certainly don't own her. She has been entrusted to you. We parents fall into two errors here: we hold on too tightly and teach her fear and indecision. Or, we are too permissive and teach her to lightly regard the Lord. I don't know that there is a perfectly established and set boundary. It depends on your daughter. I heard Chuck Swindoll illustrate once that parenting is like flying a kite. To succeed at it requires a perfect tension between the wind and they kite. And that tension is most notably seen in the string that holds the two in balance with the ground...with gravity. Dad, you're that gravity. You're gonna have to study her, scout her, and learn her so that you know where that delicate balance is. And make no mistake, if you don't learn her, you can be sure that the ENEMY has already scouted her and studied her. And you're going to have to let out enough string to allow your child to fly higher and higher. The popular cultural paradigm urges parents to talk to their children about ... (you fill in the blank: drugs, sex, etc etc). That's a great theory, but you're gonna have to talk to God about her all the time to make sure SHE gets that balance between the winds of life and the principles of Biblical character that she has been taught by precept and personal illustration. That will help her stay in flight.

Do those things and you'll be fine.

Take care, dear friend.

Mike

The Marriage Ref

It's one of the most popular new shows of the current Spring TV season. And why not. I mean, who hasn't wanted someone to come referee and arbitrate a dispute or incident in our relationships? On the TV show, it's all about entertainment, when celebrities sit in and "wax comedic" about some couple's issues. But in real life, it's serious business, as we sometimes struggle from day to day in our relationships. And deeply, we long for someone to speak truth into our lives about this situation. And if we're really honest, what we're really looking for, a lot of the time, is justification - for what we do, for why we do, and for how we feel.

The sobering truth is that the scriptures tell us that God is the one who justifies (Rom. 8:33). No human being - not a pastor, counselor, lawyer, or judge can do that for us. Only God can. The GREAT news is this: He's on our side, and He roots for our marriage!! That means there are no hopeless situations. There are no circumstances beyond His control. And best of all, He will help us work through them.

In The Marriage Ref series, we've brought together pastors, counselors, and attorneys - all under the truth of God - to breathe new life into your relationship. The series isn't just for the married. It's for everyone, because most of the truth we are talking about has applications in just about everyone's lives.

It's an interactive experience. You've never seen anything like it - in church, at least. We like to say that you'll be challenged, changed, and charged up about your relationships.

See you Sunday!